A Mother's Dictionary

amnesia
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
bottle feeding
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2AM, too.
drooling
How teething babies wash their chins.
dumbwaiter
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
family planning
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
feedback
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
full name
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
grandparents
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
hearsay
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
impregnable
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
look out!
What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
prenatal
When your life was still somewhat your own.
prepared childbirth
A contradiction in terms.
puddle
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
show off
A child who is more talented than yours.
sterilize
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
temper tantrums
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
top bunk
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
two-minute warning
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
verbal
Able to whine in word
weaker sex
The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
whodunit
None of the kids that live in your house.
whoops
An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."